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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Tim O'Brien ain't lyin'

It's all very exciting. Lately, I've had a lot to look forward to.

I was told about eight years ago that I have a lazy eye. No, it doesn't fall off to the side of my face like a melting stick of butter, when i'm trying to make eye contact. It's not a "one eye looking AT you, while the other one's looking FOR you" kinda situation. No, it's simply a little lagging, like a fat kid on a field trip to the chocolate factory. So, my left eye has a hard time refocusing, when i've been looking far away, it takes it a while to be able to see whats in front of me clearly.

Ah! A metaphor this is indeed. It's seems that I've found myself in a situation where, everything about 18 weeks from now seems a lot clearer than today does. I've got a lot to do before I can make the dream of moving to Austin with Andrew come true. Money to save, purging and packing, finding a new apartment, making sure I do enough of the things I may regret not doing, get into that american flag bikini, etc. But, I seem to be forgetting that that's not the only list of things to do.

I was that kid that would rather use a new sheet of paper than have an eraser mark. It's not that I have a lot of erasing to do, or "fixing", nothing like that. I'm just so excited about the new chapter of my life and getting to reinvent myself. I'm excited to start a new journey with Andrew. I want it all to be brand new for me on the other side. But, there's something about wanting a big change to happen before I can make all the little changes. I see myself observing my behaviors and tendencies and thinking "When we move I'm not going to do that anymore' or "I'm gonna be more like this..." Reinvention is not something we are given the opportunity to do very often and I plan to use it to it's fullest extent. However, like that brand new pack of crayons on the first day of school, once they're used they are no longer new. That, new sheet of paper is just as tainted as the one in the waste basket, and the chances that the first marks I make on the next sheet are gonna be perfect the next time around, arn't very good either.

I realize that in 18 weeks there will be people that are very much a part of my everyday life that I will probably never see or hear from again. Then there are the people that will unexpectedly stay a part of me forever. I have no idea what it is I will carry with me. But, as I am beginning to pack for this "life's journey (dirka dirka)" I am beginning to think about what I don't have room for. I won't carry Boom Noodle, I won't carry Capitol Hill. I won't carry Cornish, or the betrayal of my undergrad. I won't carry a box for past lovers or hostility for girls I don't like. I won't carry unpaid parking tickets.

Current Yelp Rating for Boom noodle: Three

Days on a Raw Food Cleanse: Two

Number of netbooks purchased this last weekend: One

Phone calls expected from Ing today: One

4 comments:

jessamyn said...

Nicole,

I am so excited for you to make a big change. It is really fun to pack up and move someplace new. Scary and fun. I wish you the best in your new life!

Love...Jessamyn

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